Relationships: Why You Should Take It To The Next Level

Relationships are quite a conundrum to negotiate.

We need to give thought to the quality and depth in which we create these. You drive the relationship vehicle, therefore if you find yourself  blaming everyone else for the type of relationships you have. 

You need to stop right there.

You need to look closer to home.

If you want to create a great relationship, think of the platform in which you wish to create it from. Understandably each relationship is different and we could get caught up in thinking we need to be different in each one.

The question is, what if we could be the same way in every relationship we are connected to? 

Therefore our bonds with parents, children, spouse, siblings and business colleagues can potentially have the same consistency, depth, understanding, love and connection.

Sounds simplistic, yet it's achievable if only we focus our energies on what we want to create.

If you ask yourself 'What do I need to do to create a great relationship?'

Answer it with Curiosity.

Have you heard the proverb 'Curiosity killed the cat?' 

This warns of the dangers of unnecessary investigation.

This is an old proverb which I remember having been drummed  into my subconscious mind as I ventured out as child. It came with a bold warning of not being too curious, too interested or too bothered to investigate further.

As a child, the word curiosity brought no end of mishaps as I was forever getting lost in various place due to being curious enough to go the extra mile to discover something which niggled away at me. At the time and in my early years, I wanted to become an Archeologist and travel far out to Egypt to discover Tutankhamen's tomb and dig up treasure items.

I had no idea how valuable this ambition of mine would be as later on in my life I created a coaching business. This element of my personality has no doubt shaped the clients I engage with and the kind of relationships I have nurtured.  

Instead of digging up treasures in Egypt, I am an emotional Archaeologist.

I continues to dig deep in my desire to find the clients hidden treasure.

Essentially curiosity in a relationship invites questions and this requires you to become a Sherlock Holmes in the making. The results when you incorporate this in your interactions and relationships, will astound you. 

For example, you ask your child, how was their day? 

Their answer will possibly range from boring to great. If your tendency is to leave the answer where it is and move on, do something different.

How about asking a further question? Why was it boring/great/good? What made it this way?

This is great as a way of shaping you're relationship because:

1. You're showing you're actually interested in how their day was.
2. You're shaping the level and depth of the conversation.
3. Asking the question underneath the question might uncover more than you realised.
4. The person on the other side of the conversation feels acknowledged, understood, validated and valued in that you're taking time to ask the questions and listen to their answers.

This simple act shows how you can reshape and recraft the quality of your relationships by making small shifts and tweaks which will begin to move you towards more depth in your connections.

I learnt this quite recently, as I was at a leadership workshop and became acquainted with a man who I recognised from a Youtube Coaching video. I couldn't articulate why, but I instantly felt connected to him, despite the fact that he barely spoke at the workshop.

I decided to contact him via e-mail (I had to do some detective work to get his contact details). In response to my e-mail, he was curious enough to ask why I had chosen to connect with him. In a vague sort of way, I described why I had been drawn to the vision he had presented at the workshop.

He responded with a second  e-mail which stipulated that this was not enough for him to go on. He still didn't feel connected to my reason for making contact, and asked that I deepen my intention. At his request, I went deeper, so much deeper that I sent him a pretty long e-mail.

At his next correspondence, he stated that he felt completely enrolled into a conversation with me and we set up a Skype session. Since we had created a deep platform in which to create our conversation, the Skype session was truly incredible.

This was a great  reminder of the vague way we often lead our lives, or rather, the way I had up to then led mine.

Vague conversations, bring vague, disconnected and sloppy connections.

The connection through this has deepened to a whole other level and has taught me a huge lesson in leading through curiosity. The way he embodied leadership and his curiosity in digging deep and in requesting more depth, even though I was initially resistant was a great model in how we lead our conversations and relationships.

As coaches, we have a choice in creating the platform by which we enrol client conversations which can range from shallow and superficial, or from a place of creating a deep connection.  Asking the question underneath the question, using curiosity to facilitate this and digging deep is what brings about incredible relationships.